Hideouswhitenoise, Issue 32, Summer 1997
by D. Chadbourne
The media image of bike messengers isn't a very pretty one. For the most part they are shown as wild road warriors who dress in funny clothes who don't have a care in the world. They are loathed by car drivers and pedestrians and it seems everyone thinks that they should be controlled by more policing and licensing.
What the Media does not speak of and not many people know is the incredible community that exists between the Toronto Courier community as well as the couriers in other cities around the world. What is never heard is the fact that they would go out of their way to help each others, that they are one big family. What is never reported is that underneath the cool clothing and the fuck-you veneer is a community with a heart of gold. But one thing that the media does get right is that messengers like to go fast on their bikes and on May 24th they were able to prove it. The Toronto Courier Community and friends gathered at College Park to race against the Police, Ambulance, University of Toronto Police, Toronto Fire Department and each other to raise money for St Stephen's Community House.
St Stephen's is a street level charity who helps anyone who needs it. Their services range from helping welfare families, AIDS cases, street people and on occasion bike messengers. Everyone was psyched for the event mostly because of how much fun was had during the previous years event. And because of this, people started asking about it months in advance, what they could do, how could they help.
Last year the event was a success, but raised only $1800.00 and this year more was needed to be raised. So registration fees were introduced. Joe Dias, champion of the Dunhill Alley Cat race held in Toronto, came up with the idea of selling raffle tickets to defer the cost of entry into the race. Race fees were One hundred for a corporate team and fifty for an unsponsored team. All the couriers got into selling raffle tickets with Team Bust, those whacky gals from CUNT magazine selling $350.00 in tickets by themselves.
It appeared everything was going to go great. Even the Farmer's Almanac said the last month of May was gong to be nicer then the March weather Toronto had lived through April and most of May.
This of course changed the week coming up to the event. The weather the morning of Tuesday May 20th put Saturday May 24th as raining cats and dogs. That night the Captain of the Ambulance team phoned and said they wouldn't be making it, but they would be out for sure next year. Wednesday reported there would be no cats and dogs on Saturday, just buckets of rain. That night the UofT Police team canceled because on of their members become ill and another had blown their knee out.
Thursday came and the chance of rain had fallen to 20% and it seemed a good omen when no other teams had canceled at the last moment. Although no one had heard from the Fire Department and the real Police could only muster two teams to take on an estimated twenty-five courier teams.
Friday arrived with the news that Saturday was going to be mostly overcast and that the female trail hog team had canceled, but the One and a half teams from Montreal had arrived in a van rented by their company.
Saturday morning arrived one of the nicest days the winter weary Torontonians had seen in some time. By noon it was 14 degrees, for our American cousins that's damn warm for Canada eh, and it didn't look like it was going to stop. Maybe the event was going to work after all.
The race site was situated behind the lovely shopping and living space of College Park, the people nice enough to let us abuse their space. The spot included a small city park, three parking lots, three levels of parking garage and one huge loading dock.
The first part of the race weaved its way through the College Park and three parking lots before the racers had to dive into three levels of underground parking. Weaving around in the dark being only guided by a dim memory of the course and helpful race marshals, who for the most part spent the entire time underground.
After finding their way out of the underground, the racers found themselves led into the Mclean Hunter Loading Dock, up a steep inline and back out into the park, where they had to race along paved walkways, down a flight of short stairs to a wading pool, can you guess how many people wiped out into that one, around a field house and then down a steep flight of stairs where they would tag the next person on the team, four to a team, and the next person would go.
The Three O'Clock start time came and passed, but people didn't seem to mind. More and more teams showed up to register and then the Police Trail Hogs, sponsored by Jet Fuel Coffee Shoppe showed as well as a team of Toronto Fire Department.
The Mayor Of Toronto Barbara Hall, who arrived on her bike at 4:00 p.m. to start the woman's race, found that because of the length of the Brother Kuz's book length bio, was instead starting the first race of the afternoon.
For the next three and a half hours the bios rolled out and the teams hit the course. Thrashing and crashing, becoming disoriented and lost in the underground and then come crashing down those stairs.
The St John's Ambulance were quite surprised by the amount of wipe-outs this year, because there had been none the year before. The team from Montreal crashed and was basically out of the competition, but were allowed to race in a later heat if they could find someone to replace their fallen comrade. One of the ladies from Femme du Kick Ass crashed as well as Rob Melnick from Team Green Machine and many more, including the pile-up at the beginning of the final heat and the trail hog missing his seat and coming down on his top tube.
The worst crash happened when Sean Van Rooyen took the steep flight of stairs on his fixed gear. He cleared the first few steps, but then he came down hard. The sound of a body smacking into concrete reverberated around the square. But like a spartan warrior, stumbled to his feet and dragged his twisted frame, bike and body, to the line and tagged the next man on his team before he collapsed to the ground in pain. The Director of St Stephen's drove him to the hospital, but he was back in time for to watch the finals.
Beside the crashes the racers and the crowd enjoyed the day's antics. The Fire Department put in a good show, but it was the Police Fire Hogs who impressed the crowd with their racing abilities. You see, last year they got their asses kicked, but this year they were hot. And while not racing they were busy throwing bike thieves off the course and for that reason alone they were allowed to advance to the finals.
As usual some of the most exciting racing came during the woman's race. This year there was an unprecedented five teams. Critical Path - Artemis, Femme du Kick-Ass, Call Girl's International, The gender bender team of Bike Ranch Babes and Team Bust who was actually Team Cunt, but decided to change their name to protect the innocent. All the female teams kicked some serious ass, with some of the most exciting racing of the event. In the end it was a close race with Call Girls International taking the first prize with Femme Du Kick Ass second and Critical Path - Artemis coming in third, but first as the top Courier team.
The Male's final came down to Team Cohiba, Brother Kuz, Trail Hogs, Tower of Power, Intel Com Courier from Montreal and Team UML. After some furious racing, near wipe-outs and a member of Intel Com Courier t-boning a member of the Trail Hogs, Team Cohiba came out on top winning the male's portion of the St. Stephen's courier classic.
The rest of the night was spent scarfing veggie dogs and whatever they put into those meat ones, courtesy of the Messengers International, drinking fine Red Baron Beer and listening to the All Out Band, who incidently also raced. From the beginning, the organizers, myself and the multi-talented Sarah Hood looked for a major sponsor to put the event on and they were always under our nose.
If it wasn't for the help of the Bike Messenger companies who put in money to the Toronto Bike Messenger Community and friends from marshaling. To setting up and tearing down, serving beer, cooking hot dogs and everything else we would not have been able to raise over $5000.00 for St Stephen's Community House. So next year the title of the race is going to change to The Bike Messengers of Toronto present The St Stephen's Courier Classic because they did.
And why is it that they did all this work. Well for one they like to race, they like to party, but most of all they love to help and as one Race Marshal said, "St Stephen's does a lot of good for the community and they got my friend off of Crack."
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