Moving Target, 1991
The fearless, dashing and by his own admission, hugely attractive Mr William Bonney bares his bum in a quest to find those often all too elusive places of retreat and blessed relief.
Now just how often have you been on a job, let's say that all important priority from Wardour St to Angel Ct EC2. Now you've picked up said package, or as we courier types say POBed, well obviously the next thing to do is hang about for an hour or so and wait for a double up. That's wait for another job going the same way, as opposed to giving some one a saddler to EC2.
Of course, any courier worth their weight in lithium grease would go straight to their destination, legs pumping, adrenal gland secreting. Signature secured, you ralax. Big mistake, that spicy vegetable curry you had for dinner takes the opportunity to slide down to your sphincter. But you're in EC2, a foreign land and not a toilet in sight. Don't panic, you'll upset the suits, relief is close at hand.
There are a number of toilets in the area, firstly the public sort. These are extremely hard to find, usually under ground in a tube station or subway, the women's is invariably padlocked and the blokes’ has to be waded into. The most convenient of these is probably at Smithfield opposite Barts. Well kept, relatively clean but busy, you may have to queue and the women's is always locked, Izal toilet paper too, sharper than a razor and only good for papier mache.
By far your safest bet is to get into a staff toilet in an office. In the city there are some absolute gems. If you're big enough and brave enough Hendersons at 3 Finsbury Ave far surpass them selves in the toilet dept. In fact, if you've nowhere to live you could move into this one, its that big. All marble fittings, clothes brushes and Ajax. My personal fave, 9/12 Basinghall St is much smaller but in terms of comfort one of the best, well stocked with soft bog roll and the foot pedal flush is an absolute boon. Hideously close to E1 is Plantation House, EC3, a monument to mass lavatory use.
If you don't actuaily get lost in the place the basement is well worth sussing out.
So there I'll leave you in the basement of Plantation House, partaking of the hugest of huge repasts while getting your hair cut and having a dump.
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