They've got bulging eyes, bulging shorts and they're coming to ..
CMWC 1994
by Super Gnat
Moving Target, Spring 1995, vol. 4, # 3
The Championships? Yeah well, I was asked to be a checkpoint marshall. As I had no idea what that meant, I said, yeah, of course, whatever. Oh, the innocence of ignorance.
I'm not sure what I expected - perhaps a light weekend gaily stamping daysheets and meeting lots of interesting people from all over the world with whom I would debate the finer points of global politics, something untaxing like that.
I arrived on Friday 7:30 PM to find the rest of the Moving Target team -Boris, Bill, Em, Rich, Kirsty and all - already stressed out to the max, wild-eyed and manic-ed out. 'What can I do to help?' 'I dunno,' sez Bill 'go and ask Ted.' 'I dunno,' sez Ted 'go and ask...' 'I HAVE' 'Oh alright, sit here and write down loadsa numbers, 1 - 139 on this bit of paper'. This vital (?) bit of paper, I later learned, was thrown away.
Loads and loads of people all milling about, bikes everywhere, nobody knows what's going on, especially the (dis)organisers, so many bodies, so much testosterone, even some of the girls look like Mr. Universe, there's shapes and sizes to suit all types, from the over-built Germans and Swedes to the slim and space cadet Canadians; as Em said: so many beautiful people, it would be a shame to pick just one.
We marshals got our radios and orders after a half hour wait in the gallery (how is that Sheriff Boris managed to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time?) wow, radios, I've never used one before, makes me feel kind of important, now I can say all those things that couriers do, yeah roger dodge p.o.b., go again? One of my favourite images is of Emma, wearing a tiny skirt, Docs and a bra, her radio holster on her hip, soft and hard, a babe with attitude.
"OK, Checkpoints ready?" "W1 ready"...oh god..."NW1 ready"...ever closer..."EC2 ready"...the adrenaline is rising..."EC1 ready"...(or is it the coffee?)...
Then a kind of uncomfortable wait, you can't relax 'cos you know they're coming, but there's nothing to do except listen to the radio, an interesting insight into the chaos taking place all over the site; "Base calling Richard"..."Base to Richard"...[Kirsty trying to contact Richard for the umpteenth time today]..."Base to Richard, if anyone can see Richard please tell him to come back to the office now"..."Richard to Base"..."Richard, where are you?"..."I'm on my way back now, I'm walking through the door, look here I am."
One time my checkpoint was the first drop - WHAM! 200 riders all shoving crumpled bits of paper at me banging on the windows and swearing, "GET BACK!", I felt like I'd been gang-banged.
I tell you, WC1 was the checkpoint with everything - the Old Gits Committee passing on judgements to Buffalo at the commentary position, the messenger monument, the woman who disqualified half the De Gronne Bude team (allegedly), a great corner for crashes and special delivery steaming hot coffee and croissants at 9AM (at least 5 hours before Dr Awkwards has even turned their machine) - pity the poor bastards at EC2, way out in the back woods, miles from anywhere, one time they didn't even realize that the heat had finished.
I didn't really get to see of yer actual racing, I saw the riders zipping past (or running past), had the honour of meeting all the racers, well, had them shout at me anyway, and had the pleasure of handling their saliva covered daysheets, now how, I ask you, can you do a quick and efficient job of stamping a daysheet if it is an unrecognisable wad of wet paper or stuffed so far up their cycling shorts that you fear they might inadvertently give you a handful of something unsavoury.
Oh the joy, the satisfaction, the several zillion points of street cred of being involved in CMWC 94. Oh yes.
The next week I was trashed, the whole week. I felt like I'd been pulped up, wrung out, flattened, hung out to dry and then stampeded by a herd of wild bulls (not too far from the truth). I must have had about 6 or 7 hours sleep the whole weekend, so double the amount of the race disorganisers despite their coveted checkpoint sleeping quarters. Caffeine, adrenaline and fags kept me up, fight or flight for 48 hours, bang! at the drop of a package, alert, ready, what can I say? It was a larf. When's the next one?
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