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Bikes!
camera! auction!
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Selling yourself never felt so good
By Stephanie March
UCD Advocate, October 18, 2006
Like cat fights? Bidding wars? Naked bike messengers? Well, if you do,
you missed out.
Single ladies and fellows, it was auction time last week at the Three
Kings tavern on south Broadway. If you weren't there, you missed out on
your prime but cheap meat! Personally, I have never been above paying
for a date. You? What if it was for a wicked good, fun cause? On
Tuesday, Oct. 10, Three Kings hosted a buy-a-date love auction to
sponsor The Denver Film Cycle and The Derailer Bicycle Collective, a
local bike cooperative.
This is Denver's first bicycle film festival, but I will get to all of
the good Samaritan stuff later. Let's get to the flesh.
The auction included only the finest male and female bike messengers
and peddicabbers in Denver. I am talking top-notch, grade-A bicycle
babes! There was a $5 cover and the bidding was high, but proceeds went
directly to the Derailer Bicycle Collective. When my friend and I
arrived, the DJ was rocking the house with old-school beats. It
definitely got me in the bidding mood. Nothing turns a girl on like
Pebbles, "Girlfriend." (If you don't know it, please for the love of
bad R&B in the '80s, go download it.)
As the night rode on and the place filled up, it quickly became a sea
of tight pants, spandex shirts and backpacks. The front of Three Kings
was a showcase of the best bikes a person can buy and build. I was
expecting the sea to be filled with only fellas, but there were tons of
lady cyclists as well! Good times had by all.
This is how the auction worked: not only would you bid on the aesthetic
value of the lady or gent on stage, but you were also bidding for their
package. Wait - the package they came with. Wait, OK, each person came
with a "fun package" of drinks and dinner. Examples: one person was
sold off with drinks and dinner at the Rio, another came with coupons
for Maggiano's and the Whiskey Bar. (Hey, what were you thinking?)
When the bidding finally started, at least 90 percent of the product
was hammered out of their frickin' minds. This made for an interesting
collection of cyclists. The announcer described the group as "high
school dropouts with drinking problems," then exclaimed: "Let the
bidding begin!" Foxy auctioneer guy gave various facts about each
auctionee. Some of the attractive qualities were: likes wine tasting,
enjoys long walks to the bar, lives with parents, alcoholic, hates
children, and of course, this is one sexy bitch!
It started off a little slow, and I must confess, I was a bit concerned
for the Denver Film Cycle's financial future. I thought that people
were just a little shy or that the booze hadn't kicked in. I got really
concerned when the first honey to be sold, a Brad Pitt look-a-like,
only raked in $20! I was shocked and appalled. What kind of auction was
this? But my doubts and fears were all about to be washed away in one
single drop of the gavel.
The night started to get interesting when a lovely girl named "Bonnie"
approached the stage. Her glasses, wool sweater and ponytail drove the
fellas wild. She sold for an amazing $100! (One man tried to up the
price to $101, but they were working in $5 increments, so he lost out.)
I got so excited I screamed and jumped up and down. Of course, then the
announcer guy said, "105 to the smoking hot lady in black!" No way was
I gonna pay for a new lady companion. I have enough trouble with men. I
quickly reassured him I was not interested, and he quickly yelled at me
and told me to keep my damn hands down.
Each auction was crazy: at one point an ex-girlfriend and a current
girlfriend got into a bidding war for a seemingly innocent bike
messenger. Coincidently, Mr. Innocent brought in the most cash at $325!
What some girls will do for a little nookie. Whatever happened to good
old fashioned fights? Fighting is cheaper, ladies.
I on the other hand did not get into a war over a boy, but my friend
was definitely showing her love for the goods on display. Especially
the naked guy that left with only his messenger bag. She was bidding
left and right, but she refused to pay more than $25, and she was picky
about their, uhm, packages. At any rate, she was too busy checking out
a smoking hot paparazzi photog to really focus on the bidding.
After the entire auction was over, the team raised over $1500 for the
film festival. The Denver Film Cycle is a festival of films that is
dedicated entirely to the love of cycling. Erin O'Leary, one of the hot
lady cyclists helping this cause out, said that there will be several
independent films at this event. They have films that include
everything from mountain biking to shorts about newspaper boys peddling
away in Minnesota. A bonus: the films are created entirely by cyclists.
And this festival isn't just about hot cyclists and their bikes. They
also, per their website, support local non-profit groups such as The
Derailer Collective. The Denver Film Cycle is promoting a lifestyle
people. We all know gas prices are insane and our dependence on foreign
oil will eventually cripple us. So these guys are seeking to educate us
on not only the health benefits but the social and the environmental
ones as well.
Sadly, the auction is now over. But wipe away those tears because the
film festival is running from Nov. 10 - 11. The Nov. 10 showing will be
held at the Mercury Café (2199 California St.) from 5 p.m. to 10
p.m. The showing on the 11th doesn't have a place of residence as of
yet, but if you go to http://www.eleventooth.com/DFC you can get the
time and place when it's decided. This website also shows all of the
nice sponsors of the film festival. Some of them include: Chrome, The
Cherry Cricket, New Belgium, Illegal Pete's, Racine's Restaurant and
Landmark Theatres. If you are interested in sponsoring, please go to
the above website.
Lastly, make sure you get to the Denver Film Festival. Why not support
a kick-ass cause, watch some movies and mingle with some hotties with
great legs. It sounds like it's going to be a great time and truly,
with these folks, you never know what's going to happen next. Peddle on
my people!
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